Sooner or later, someone will tell you to make your autistic child look you in the eye. The worry behind that advice is understandable, because autism eye contact is one of the first things people notice, and the CDC lists avoiding or not keeping eye contact among the social communication characteristics associated with autism.
My short answer is no, at least not as a goal in itself. Your child can listen, learn, and feel close to you without ever meeting your gaze. Attention shows up as turning toward you, answering a question, handing you a toy, or following a direction while looking at the floor. Pushing for a held look can add stress that gets in the way of all of it.
At Achieve ABA Therapy Group, we would rather help a child communicate comfortably than hold a gaze on cue. Whether your child is two or twelve, there are better goals than counting seconds of eye contact, and plenty of ways to reach them.
What Autism Eye Contact Looks Like at Different Ages
Eye contact changes as children grow, and so does what it can tell you. Looking at how it shows up at each stage helps you decide whether you’re seeing a difference to support or a pattern worth raising with a professional.
Babies and Toddlers
In the early years, pediatricians treat eye contact as one piece of a bigger picture of shared attention, the back-and-forth of noticing something together.
The CDC’s list of early signs includes not responding to name by 9 months, using few or no gestures by 12 months, and not pointing to show you something interesting by 18 months. It also notes that some people without autism share a few of these traits, and that autistic children may not show all of them, so a single sign is never a diagnosis.
If your child is under 3 and something feels off, you don’t need a diagnosis to ask for help. Families in Colorado can start by calling Early Intervention Colorado at 1-888-777-4041 or contacting their local program directly.
Our post on Colorado early intervention explains who qualifies and what the evaluation looks like. For toddlers with a diagnosis, early intervention ABA builds skills through play and daily routines.
School-Age Children and Teens
By school age, eye contact difficulty takes different forms. Some children avoid it entirely, some glance for a second and look away, and others hold a stare a little too long because no one ever explained how long is typical. All three patterns appear in first-hand accounts from autistic people, described in the next section.
CDC surveillance data from 2022 found that about 1 in 31 eight-year-olds had been identified as autistic, so families asking about eye contact are in very large company. If you’re unsure whether your child’s pattern points to autism, an autism evaluation looks at communication, play, and behavior together rather than gaze alone. Our diagnosis team works with experienced clinicians and aims to get families answers without a long wait.
Why Looking at Faces Can Be Hard for Autistic Children
Not every autistic child finds eye contact hard for the same reason, and the research reflects that. Two kinds of evidence help explain it: brain imaging and first-hand accounts from autistic people.
What Brain Imaging Suggests
A 2017 study in Scientific Reports used functional MRI to compare 23 autistic participants with 20 matched controls while they watched faces. When participants were required to keep their gaze on the eye region, the autistic group showed unusually high activity in a fast, automatic face-processing pathway that includes the amygdala. The authors proposed that this heightened response may help explain eye avoidance in everyday life.
One study can’t settle the question, and brain activity doesn’t tell us how any individual child feels. It does line up with what many autistic people report, which is that being made to look at eyes can be uncomfortable in ways other people may not expect.
What Autistic People Say About Eye Contact
A qualitative study in PLOS ONE analyzed first-hand accounts from 364 people who self-identified as autistic, drawn from YouTube videos and a peer forum. Participants described anxiety, physical discomfort, and a sense of being exposed.
The most frequently mentioned issue was difficulty taking in a voice and a face at the same time, with many saying they couldn’t follow what someone said while also holding eye contact.
Not everyone described distress. Some were simply unsure how long to hold a look before glancing away and worried about getting it wrong. The authors note limits, including that diagnoses were self-declared and that people with strong reactions may be more likely to post about them.
Several participants also described being pushed to make eye contact as children by caregivers or therapists, and they were almost uniformly critical of it. I take that feedback seriously, and it shapes how we write goals at Achieve.
Should You Make Your Autistic Child Look You in the Eye?
If your child finds eye contact stressful, leave it out of your everyday demands. If they enjoy it, there is nothing to fix. Either way, what you want is attention, understanding, and comfort, and none of those require a steady gaze.
Why Forced Eye Contact Tends to Backfire
A child who is working to hold a look is spending effort on the gaze, which leaves less for the message. A child who complies may end up taking in less of what you said than one who is allowed to look at the floor.
Pressure can also change how a child relates to you. Children who are repeatedly overridden on something that feels unpleasant may learn to hide discomfort rather than tell us about it, and that is a habit worth avoiding at home and in therapy.
What the Research Says About Teaching Eye Gaze
The same PLOS ONE paper reviews earlier work and reports that behavioral techniques, including ABA and pivotal response training, have produced small to moderate improvements in joint attention (sharing focus on the same thing) and other gaze behaviors.
Most of that work involved young children. The authors found almost no evidence-based strategies for improving eye contact in teens and adults who find it distressing, and they suggest tailoring any approach to the individual.
I read that as a reason for modest expectations. Gains are possible, the evidence is limited, and a child’s plan shouldn’t hinge on gaze alone.
How We Approach Eye Contact in ABA
ABA has a history worth acknowledging. Some programs have taught “look at me” through repeated prompting and rewards, and autistic adults have described those experiences as distressing.
Achieve ABA Therapy Group is a Visionary Partner of the Colorado Neurodiversity Chamber of Commerce, and that commitment shapes how we write goals. Our ABA focuses on giving a child skills that improve daily life, and looking neurotypical is never the aim. When eye contact comes up, we ask the family what it would be for, then choose the skill that serves that purpose.
Here are the goals we tend to prefer writing instead:
- Responding to a name or a request in whatever way feels comfortable
- Joint attention, such as pointing, showing, and following a point
- Functional communication through words, signs, pictures, or a device, including a way to ask for a break
- Turn-taking in play and conversation
- Greeting people with a wave, a “hi,” or a nod
Sessions happen where your child lives and learns. Our in-home ABA teams build goals into play, meals, and bedtime routines, and parent training gives you the same tools so practice continues between visits.
Progress shows up in daily life. Our list of signs of progress describes what to look for, from skills that carry over at home to prompts that fade over time.
Colorado families using Health First Colorado’s pediatric behavioral therapies benefit will notice that each approved authorization is valid for up to six months, after which the provider submits a new request. That gives you a natural checkpoint to ask whether eye contact is on the plan and why. Families with private plans can read how Colorado’s insurance mandate applies to state-regulated coverage.
Everyday Ways to Support Connection Without Forcing Eye Contact
Small changes in how you talk and play often build connection faster than formal practice. These ideas keep the pressure low.
Sit Beside Your Child and Follow Their Interest
Face-to-face seating puts the most pressure on gaze. Sitting beside your child, or sharing a task like building or drawing, takes that pressure off while keeping you close. Then join what they are already looking at and comment on it.
Shared attention tends to grow when a child sees that you notice what they notice. The CDC describes the Early Start Denver Model, a developmental approach built on ABA principles for children 12 to 48 months old, as using play, social exchanges, and shared attention in natural settings.
Offer Other Ways to Show Attention
Some autistic people find it easier to look at the nose, mouth, or forehead, or at the face as a whole. In the PLOS ONE accounts, looking near the eyes without meeting them was the most common coping strategy. Others nod, say “mm-hm,” or tell people, “I listen better when I look away.”
You can teach those options without demanding any of them. A simple agreed signal, like a nod or a thumbs-up, lets your child show they are listening in a way that costs them less.
Give Your Child a Way to Say “I Need a Break”
A child who can ask for a break with a word, a card, a sign, or a device has a safer option than shutting down or pulling away. Answer that request quickly and consistently so it keeps working. Signs that a child is past their limit include covering their eyes, freezing, going quiet, or turning their whole body away.
Plan for Greetings and Relatives
Greetings are where eye contact demands pile up. Teach a wave, a “hi,” or a fist bump, and give relatives a one-line explanation they can use: “My child is listening. They take things in better when they aren’t looking right at you.”
Eye contact norms also differ across families and cultures. In some households, looking an elder in the eye is a sign of respect, and in others it is considered rude. Our Denver team offers therapy and parent training in Spanish or English, and we are glad to build goals around what your family values.
Helping Teachers and Caregivers Understand Your Child’s Gaze
Teachers, childcare staff, and relatives often treat eye contact as a quick read on attention, so it helps to tell them how your child shows they are listening.
Ask adults to watch for responses and follow-through instead of gaze. Did your child answer, finish the task, or return to the activity? Those are better measures of attention, and they’re easy for a teacher to note.
If your child receives support at school, our school-based ABA team works with teachers and IEP teams on learning and behavior goals. For younger children, daycare-based support brings ABA into the daycare routine. Back-to-School ABA uses in-home sessions before the school year starts to build routines and classroom skills.
Some children work hard all day to meet classroom expectations and then fall apart at home. Our post on after-school meltdowns explains why that can happen and what helps.
For teens and young adults living in a group setting, group home ABA delivers therapy directly in the home, with the same focus on how each person communicates best.
When to Ask for an Evaluation or Extra Support
Limited eye contact on its own rarely calls for action, but a pattern across several areas deserves a conversation with your child’s doctor. These signs from the CDC’s list are worth mentioning alongside eye contact:
- Not responding to name by 9 months
- Using few or no gestures, such as waving, by 12 months
- Not sharing interests, such as showing you a favorite object, by 15 months
- Not noticing when others are hurt or upset by 24 months
- Getting upset by minor changes, or having unusual reactions to sounds, smells, tastes, or textures
In Colorado, the next step depends on age. Children under 3 can be evaluated through Early Intervention Colorado, and at age 3 the school district’s Child Find team evaluates eligibility for preschool special education. A formal diagnosis from a qualified provider is usually the starting point for insurance approval of ABA.
Health First Colorado may also cover medically necessary behavioral therapy for eligible children without requiring an autism diagnosis. Our insurance options page lists the plans we work with, and we can verify benefits before you commit to anything.
If you decide to start, the first month of ABA is mostly about getting to know your child, and weekend sessions can make scheduling easier for busy families.
ABA Support for Families Across Colorado
Achieve ABA Therapy Group provides in-home ABA in communities throughout Colorado. Our locations page lists every area we serve, and our Colorado team is available at 720-463-9000.
In the Denver metro area, our teams support families in Denver, Aurora, Lakewood, Arvada, Westminster, Thornton, Centennial, and Greenwood Village. Families south of the city can also reach us in Castle Rock and Parker.
Along the northern Front Range, we serve Boulder, Longmont, Loveland, Fort Collins, and Greeley.
Farther south and west, our teams also work with families in Colorado Springs, Pueblo, and Grand Junction. If you don’t see your town listed, reach out, because we serve families across the state.
Frequently Asked Questions About Autism Eye Contact
Is lack of eye contact always a sign of autism?
No. The CDC lists avoiding eye contact as one possible characteristic and notes that some people without autism share a few of these traits. Clinicians look at the whole pattern of communication, play, and behavior rather than eye contact alone.
Does my autistic child need eye contact to learn?
No. Many autistic people report that they follow conversations better when they look away, and attention can be judged by whether a child responds and follows through. If a child is straining to hold a look, less of their effort may be going toward the lesson.
Will my child ever be comfortable with eye contact?
Some children become more comfortable as they grow, especially in low-pressure relationships. Others prefer not to make eye contact at any age, and that is a valid way to communicate. No provider can promise a particular outcome, so we focus on skills that help your child connect in ways that feel natural to them.
Is it okay to invite my child to look at me?
A gentle invitation is fine, such as “I’d love to see your face,” as long as you accept a no. Never turn or hold your child’s face, and pause the request if you see signs of stress like freezing, covering their eyes, or pulling away.
Why does my child stare instead of looking away?
Some autistic children hold a gaze longer than others expect because no one has shown them the usual rhythm of looking and looking away. In the PLOS ONE accounts, some people were told they stared and worried about it. A simple, friendly model, like glancing away as if you are thinking, can teach the rhythm without pressure.
Does ABA therapy teach eye contact?
Some ABA programs do, and research shows small to moderate gains in gaze-related behaviors, mostly in early childhood. At Achieve, we prefer goals like responding, joint attention, and communication, and we talk with families about why any skill is on the plan. You are always welcome to ask how a goal helps your child.
How do I get started with ABA in Colorado?
Call our Colorado team at 720-463-9000 or use our contact page. We can talk through your child’s needs, verify insurance benefits, and explain what the process looks like before you commit to anything.
A Gentler Way to Think About Autism Eye Contact
The next time someone says your child should look at them, you have an answer. Your child’s attention is real whether or not it shows up in their eyes, and the skills that build connection, like responding, sharing interests, and asking for help, can be taught without a stare on cue.
Autism eye contact will look different from one child to the next, and progress is rarely a straight line. Many children make meaningful gains when support is comfortable, consistent, and built around what their family wants, though no provider can promise a specific result. If a goal doesn’t make sense to you, ask why it’s there.
If you’re in Colorado and want to talk it through, call us at 720-463-9000 or fill out our intake form. You can also see how it works and explore our full range of ABA services.
Sources
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). Signs and symptoms of autism spectrum disorder. https://www.cdc.gov/autism/signs-symptoms/index.html
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2025). Data and statistics on autism spectrum disorder. https://www.cdc.gov/autism/data-research/index.html
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). Treatment and intervention for autism spectrum disorder. https://www.cdc.gov/autism/treatment/index.html
Hadjikhani, N., Åsberg Johnels, J., Zürcher, N. R., et al. (2017). Look me in the eyes: Constraining gaze in the eye-region provokes abnormally high subcortical activation in autism. Scientific Reports, 7, 3163. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5466661/
Trevisan, D. A., Roberts, N., Lin, C., & Birmingham, E. (2017). How do adults and teens with self-declared autism spectrum disorder experience eye contact? A qualitative analysis of first-hand accounts. PLOS ONE, 12(11), e0188446. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5705114/
Colorado Department of Early Childhood. (n.d.). Early intervention for infants and toddlers with developmental delays. https://cdec.colorado.gov/early-intervention-for-infants-and-toddlers
Colorado Department of Education. (n.d.). Early childhood special education resources and guidance. https://ed.cde.state.co.us/cdesped/childfindpreschoolsped/early-childhood-special-education-resources-and-guidance
Colorado Department of Health Care Policy and Financing. (n.d.). Pediatric behavioral therapies. https://hcpf.colorado.gov/pediatric-behavioral-therapies